The common traits of banks

1. When you least think of them, they contact you most (with cold calls).

2. When you don’t want to see them, they want to reach you (to collect outstanding loan).

3. When you need them the least, they want to lend you the most.

4. When you need them the most, they want to lend you the least.

I once received a call from a bank representative.

Bank: Is this Ms xxxx? I am calling from xxxx bank. To reward our loyal customers, we are offering a $15,000 personal loan to you at a special rate of …

Me: No, thank you. I don’t need to borrow money.

Bank: Why not? The interest rate is low.

Me: I have enough cash. I don’t need to borrow money.

Bank: But you can keep your cash and invest what you borrow to make more money.

Me: I really don’t need to borrow now. One day when I am cash-strapped, I will consider borrowing from you.

Bank: If you are cash-strapped, we can’t promise that your loan application can be approved.

Me: So you mean: When I don’t need money, you will lend me more; but when I need money, you won’t lend me anything?

Bank: That’s why you better borrow now when you have money.

Me: What happen if I borrow money now and can’t repay you in the future?

Bank: Ms xxxx, we have checked your bank account, you can afford to repay the $15,000 with interest anytime.

Me: Okay then. If you really want to reward me for being a loyal customer of xxxx bank, give me the $15,000 now with no interest and absolutely no need to repay any amount in the future, then I will definitely take it today.

The bank representative hung up on me, dashing my dream of pocketing a windfall.

On a separate occasion, I got a call from another bank.

Bank: Ms xxxx, we just launched a new home loan that offers the best interest rates in town. We can help you to refinance your existing home loan to save on interest …

Me: Thank you for letting me know but we have paid off our housing loan some time ago.

Bank: Do you have any outstanding loan for other properties?

Me: I have sold my properties and cleared all the outstanding loans.

Bank: What about your car loan? How much are you paying for it now?

Me: It is just a very old second hand car that I bought it with cash many years ago.

Bank: Do you plan to buy a new car soon?

Me: Maybe, but it depends on …

Bank: We have an auto loan package that offers the most competitive …

Me: But my husband is paying for it. I don’t think he will ask me to take up a loan for a gift.

Bank: No problem. We can help him to finance your new car.

Me: And he also likes to pay everything in cash.

Bank: Or do you have …

Me: Yes, yes, I know people who want to buy a new property or refinance their existing home, but somehow can’t pass the TDSR threshold. I also know people who want to buy cars but their hands are tied by the new car loan restrictions. This is the number that can reach you, right? Okay, I will ask them to call you now …

Bank: I don’t think we want their business. Thank you.

So another telemarketer hung up on me. I thought it is supposed to be the other way round?

Anyway, that is how I became one of the 67,000 people who registered their telephone number with the DNC (Do Not Call) Registry when it was launched on the first day. We were all so desperate to opt out for any telemarketing call or marketing message sent to us without consent.

Like what American poet Marilyn Hacker said,

“You did say, need me less and I’ll want you more.”